Misfile fanfic: Out of Control

Based on characters and situations created by Chris Hazleton. All misfile characters copyright Chris Hazleton

Ash watched as the Camaro pulled up in front of her garage. “Flashy,” she thought, but certainly nothing to touch her own XR4Ti, unless he had done a lot of work to it. She appreciated Colin bringing over the parts she ordered so quickly. Of course she knew why he had done it. “The power of boobs,” Emily had called it. Ash felt a bit dirty. As a boy, she had resented girls who promised with their glances things that they had no intention of delivering, and here she was, doing the same thing.

“Where should I put them, Miss?” Colin asked.

“Call me ‘Ash’” she suggested, flashing him a smile. Definitely a bit dirty. “If you could put them over here in the garage, that would be great.”

“Ash? That’s pretty. Is it short for Ashley?”

Ash snorted at the thought, shaking her head. It hadn’t occurred to her before, but she was fairly lucky to have had a reasonably unisex name. At least she could tell herself that she was still “Ash.” Having to get used to going from something like ‘Jason’ to ‘Joann’ would have been that much more excruciating. “It’s just Ash. See?” she said, holding out her driver’s license.

“Hey – you even look pretty in your driver’s license picture.”

Whoa! Ash pulled back her license hastily, realizing that she was going to have to change the subject before she lost control of the conversation.

Walking over to the “project” car, she popped the hood. “Now this is what I need the parts for.”

Peering over her shoulder, Colin whistled. “Now that’s a car with promise. Who did the work?”

“The guy who sold it to me. He just never finished it and I want to.”

“Well,” said Colin, “I can definitely help you out there. You picked out part of what you need. I can help you figure out the rest of it, if you like.”

Hmm. Still not the reaction she wanted. “I think I can manage,” she said. She led him to her working car and popped its hood as well. “This is what I have been working on so far. I started with something pretty standard and added what I needed. I don’t let anybody else touch it.”

Colin took a casual, patronizing look, and then a more serious one as he realized what he was seeing. He seemed stunned, looking at what had gone into the XR4Ti. He moved slowly, taking it all in. He commented on the power advantages of her choices, comparing them to what he had done to his own car. This time, his praise seemed genuine.

“Sweet! You did all of this work yourself?”

“All by myself, yes.” Ash felt like preening. It was wonderful to teach Emily about cars, but being admired by someone who actually could recognize quality work, and wasn’t a rival, was heaven. “It takes a lot of work to be ‘king of the mountain.’”

“You race, too?” said Colin in amazement. “I used to do that was I was in school. Best I ever made was fourth best on the mountain. You’re going to have to work really hard if you want to beat the ‘king.’”

“Oh, I’ve already done that,” answered Ash, smugly. “You’re looking at the undisputed best of the three schools.” She could see that he was really impressed.

“Wow. I guess I thought…”

“I know what you thought. You thought I was some cute little thing, easily impressed by flash. You thought I bought the iridium spark plugs because they sounded pretty.”

Colin flushed. Cleary, Ash had come uncomfortably close to the truth. She relished the new respect she saw in his eyes.

He seemed at a loss for words. “Is there anything I can do to help out? I mean, I’m pretty handy. Nothing like what you – I mean…”

“Well you can help me get my work area ready. I have some more parts coming from the guy who sold me the car, so I am not ready to start work on it yet, but I like to have all the parts laid out in a certain order while I work. You bring them from your car, and I will show you were they need to go.”

Silently, they worked together. Ash congratulated herself on having diverted an uncomfortable flirtation into a buddy relationship. Maybe Colin would be worthwhile having in her pit crew, when she became a professional racer. He seemed knowledgeable and eager. She would have to test his abilities of course.

Lost in these happy thoughts, Ash was taken off guard when a chance turn put her nose-to-nose with Colin. For a moment, the two of them froze. Then Ash felt two hands grabbing her shoulders, two lips pressed against her own. A sensation she didn’t recognize surged through her body. She couldn’t react. Then, she did. Violently.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing?” she yelled, pushing him away from her. “Who the hell do you think you are? Get away from me!”

Sprawling, Colin stammered out an apology, but Ash was not interested. She screamed at him, “Go! Leave! Get out of here!”

She didn’t even have the energy to watch him hurry to his car and drive off. Broken, she collapsed to the floor of the garage, clutched her knees to her chest and started sobbing. Having heard her shouts, Vashiel and Rumisiel crashed through the door and found her in a fetal position, shaking with tears.

“Ash? What happened?” Vashiel asked, his face full of concern. She shook her head, unable to respond. “Ash? Ash! Please, how can we help?”

As Ash continued to shake and sob, Rumisiel knelt before her and put his face where she could see it. She just closed her eyes and turned her head away.

“She’s done this before,” remembered Vashiel. And the only one she would speak to then was Emily. How do we find Emily?”

“I know where she lives,” said Rumisiel. “If she’s home, I can bring her here.”

Within minutes, he had brought Emily to the garage. Shooing the angels away, Emily knelt in front of her distraught friend. “Ash, it’s Emily. What’s wrong? What happened?”

Without raising her head, Ash choked out, “Colin… he…”

“Colin,” wondered Emily. “Who’s Colin? Wait! Is that the boy from the auto parts store? The one who sold you the spark plugs?”

“Yes – bought more parts… he brought them…”

“And what happened? What did he do to you? Omigod, did he… hurt you?”

“He… k- k- kissed me!” Ash sobbed.

Emily sat up in astonishment. “He kissed you? That’s what this is all about? Because a boy kissed you? I’m the one who should be upset. I haven’t been kissed by a boy in three years!” Seeing Ash unresponsive, Emily went on, soothingly, “Ash – he didn’t know about you. He couldn’t. All he saw was a pretty girl. It happens. Boys steal kisses all the time. It didn’t mean anything.”

“You – d- d- don’t understand. I liked it!” Tears streaming down her face, Ash looked up. “I liked it. What kind of freaky faggot am I turning into that I get turned on when a boy kisses me? I don’t know who I am anymore. Here I am in a girl’s body, wearing girly underwear, having p- p- periods! And kissing b- b- boys??? I had to throw him out! I don’t know what I might have done if he had stayed. I was afraid!”

“Ash. It’s OK.” Emily put her arms around her friend. “It’s just your body reacting. It’s normal – comes with the hormones. You know the girl-you liked boys. Remember the magazines? You’re normal. You’re not gay! It’s not boy-Ash getting turned on by boys.”

“Oh yes. Boy-Ash. Remember him? So who does that make me? I look like a girl, dress like a girl, even react like a girl. I keep thinking I have it under control, Em. And every time I do, something like this happens. So where’s me, Em? Where’s Ash?

“Em, when I was a boy, I never even kissed a girl. I never found one who – I wanted to, but I didn’t know how to ask. It’s like – I don’t know. If I had only met you before… And Colin – didn’t even ask… and I am just so confused!”

Emily thought for a while before speaking. She wasn’t sure that she knew what would be comforting to say. “Would it really be so terrible…?” That wasn’t coming out right. “Ash – have you ever thought about what you would do if – if it doesn’t get fixed? If we’re stuck like this?”

Ash looked at her for a moment, and then looked away, rubbing at her tears. “I have been trying not to,” she admitted.

“Maybe – just maybe,” ventured Emily, “we need to. We need to find some way to happiness that doesn’t depend on Rumisiel making good.”

“Happiness? What about Harvard, Em? Are you really going to be able to spend two more years with your Mom pressuring you? Studying for tests you’ve already passed?”

“I might – might not have to. I spoke with my math teacher, and he thinks I might be able to skip senior year if I do things right. And it’s not as if all of the knowledge is gone. If I know it’s only one year, I can probably relearn it faster than it took me the first time.”

Ash stared in shock, “So… you’re alright with this? I mean, you being younger, and me – being a girl? You don’t want it fixed?”

“Of course I want it fixed, Ash! I mean… I hate the idea that we wouldn’t remember each other. That if it all goes back to the way it was, I’ll lose the best friend I‘ve ever known. But at the same time, I can’t really wish you to stay a girl if it would make you miserable. I’m just saying… what if we can’t have that? Shouldn’t we try to find something good in what we do have? Is that so wrong?”

“Something good… I don’t even know who I am any more! If I lose myself – hell, if I don’t even have me, how can I find something good?”

“Well, you have your mother – you wouldn’t ever have met her if you were still a boy, because you didn’t send that letter, right? If it all goes back, would you know to try again? And you’re just as good with cars either way, right? The mountain doesn’t care if you’re a boy or a girl, right? And me – aren’t I as good a friend as you could want? If you have to be a girl, couldn’t you be happy”

“Oh, Em, of course you are. I’ve never known anyone like you. And I guess... there are some good things. I know cars, because that’s just me. And it took a bit of adjustment, but I can still drive the way I did. Dad’s a lot closer this way… and I have Mom, and you… but I don’t have me. How can I be happy if I can’t find me?”