Misfile fanfic: Introspection

Based on characters and situations created by Chris Hazleton. All misfile characters copyright Chris Hazleton

Ash watched Adam as he left, troubled by his arguments. Not that she agreed with them, of course, but they raised questions that she really would rather not have to answer. He couldn’t be right. Even trying to think of a way to make being a girl into a good thing would be a betrayal of her rightful identify. And that thought, she realized, actually seemed kind of humorous, considering the way she was dressed, in this stupid dress that fairly invited guys to stare down its top or up its bottom.

Changing out of it and back into her normal jeans and shirt was like coming back to her real masculine self, despite the bra and panties. Things were really getting strange when she found herself feeling masculine in girl’s underwear; but then, the entire day had been strange, from her Mom trying to fix her up with a boy, to dress shopping and makeup and lingerie and heels. And it had only gotten stranger when she and Adam had discovered that they had both been misfiled, and Adam tried to talk her into – no, actually bribe her into – liking the idea!

And much as Ash loved to talk with her Mom, this was one thing she just couldn’t explain to her. Who knew what it might do to their relationship? No, the only one she could really talk to was Emily. Ash dialed her number.

Emily was surprised. “Ash!” she exclaimed, “How’s the trip going?”

“Pretty good. It’s really great being with my Mom, even if we don’t always agree on everything. But some things happened today and…”

Now that she was actually talking to Emily, Ash wasn’t quite sure how to broach the subject. She was reluctant to mention Adam’s misfile. It would make him sound too interesting.

“Emily… Did you… have you ever wished you were a boy?”

“Ash, that’s a really weird question. What brought that up?”

“Well, I’m just getting confused about things. See, I met this boy…”

“You… met a boy???”

“Yes, and he was saying… no! No, that’s not what I mean! Emily! I mean, really! What do you think I am?”

“Well, usually when of my girlfriends says that she met a boy…”

“Yeah, well, I’m not exactly one of your girlfriends – at least…” Ash took a breath before explaining. “You see, my Mom took me out to dinner at a fancy place, and insisted on gussying me up in this short dress and makeup and shoes and lingerie and stockings…”

“Omigosh! I wish I could have seen your face. I bet you looked cute.”

“Yeah, well, I think I just went about the limit of what I would do for her. I mean, what was I supposed to say… I can’t wear this because I’m really a boy? I don’t really want to spend the rest of the summer in the loony bin. And we’ve only been together for two days so far; after wanting all my life to see her, I figure I can put up with a bit. Of course, then she tried to fix me up with this boy we met on the beach…”

“Ah… tell me.”

“The important thing is that he… figured out something about me. I mean, it’s not as if I’m used to sitting in a dress, right? And I made some comment…”

“Oh this doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s not really a problem, but he figured out that I didn’t really feel comfortable as a girl and he tried to talk me into feeling good about it… even tried to bribe me by offering to help finance my racing career… and I was just wondering… I mean, if this somehow doesn’t get fixed… How would I… I don’t even know what to ask.”

“Well, you’ve really come a long way in getting used to it. I know you don’t want to, but at least you’re not freaking out over… things, anymore.”

“Sure I am… just not as loudly. Look, here’s another thing. What are we doing right now?”

“Talking on the telephone?”

Emily laughed. “Is this a quiz? You’re the one deciding what we talk about, because you’re the one who’s upset.”

“Exactly. I’m talking about my feelings; going on and on and talking about my feelings and insecurities. Doesn’t that seem strange to you?”

“Not really. Girls do it all the time… Oh.”

“Exactly. It’s like I’ve got… I don’t know. Diarrhea of the mouth. Like I can’t hold it in any more. I didn’t used to have to flap my gums for twenty minutes before I could sleep. Em… I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. I need some kind of anchor. I… I don’t know what I need. Maybe just having you as a friend… it reminds me that… Oh nuts. Here I am going on about myself and I’m not even considering you. How… how are you doing? I mean…”

There was a brief pause.

“Well… I’ve been looking over next year’s textbooks; sort of to get ready, and I already know a lot of it. More than enough to start the year and do well. I don’t really need to spend as much time as I did the first time, so it’ll probably be pretty easy for me.”

“Well that sounds good, right? You’ll just ace the year.”

“Mm hmm…and I was sort of thinking… Don’t you think I should start dating boys again? I mean… I always figured that once I got into college, it would be OK, and it’s been a long time for me, and I have time, and I just thought…”

The words were like a knife to Ash’s heart. Intellectually, she had always known that as long as she was a girl, Emily would only consider her a friend, but she had tried to ignore the idea of Emily with “another” boy. Now it was suddenly difficult to breathe for a moment. Why had Emily broached the subject? She really didn’t need Ash’s permission, of course, and if she had met someone she liked, wouldn’t she have just said so?

Trying to be calm, Ash tried to remember how Emily had sounded. The words had been said very lightly, too lightly; as though it was vitally important but she wanted to pretend otherwise. And if it was really important…

“Oh! Well, of course you should… that’s… that’s great, Em. I’m being silly again. I just sort of had this idea that you and I… but as long as I’m a girl, I guess that’s not going to work, is it? And I can’t really tell you not to. But… oh crap… did… did you have somebody in mind?”

“No… I’m just a bit nervous. I mean, I want to, but…”

“You’ll be fine. The boys will be… fighting each other for the chance,” Ash said, trying to stay calm. Inwardly she was raging over the unfairness of it all. “You… you just make sure whomever you go out with treats you right… or he’ll have to answer to me.”

“Thank you, Ash. And Ash, about those dresses – you really can tell your Mom to cut it out. There are girls who don’t like to wear dresses and skirts, you know. Just tell her that you’re not used to wearing them and you don’t want to. If you’re going someplace fancy, there’s nothing wrong with wearing a nice pantsuit.”

“Oh… I never thought of that. I guess I still have a lot to learn about being a girl. Not that I want to of course, but… thanks, Em.”

The conversation left Ash feeling even worse. Here she was stuck as a girl, and some guy was going to… she didn’t want to think about it. Why? Why was it so important for Emily to start dating now? This whole thing was probably going to be fixed in a few months, and then Ash would be a boy again, and… She sighed in realization. They probably wouldn’t even know each other. Rumisiel had been pretty clear on that. There was just no good way for this to end.

While she was brooding, she heard the key in the lock and her mother came in, surprised to see her. “Ash! You’re back so early! What happened to the movie?”

“We didn’t go, Mom. We just talked for a while and then he had to leave.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Did you make plans to see him tomorrow?”

“No, Mom, and… I don’t really know that I need to see him. We took this vacation so the two of us could be together, not so I could meet guys. Can’t we just forget about everybody else and just have each other?”

“Of course, Ash. I just want to do what will make you happy. I know that at your age, I was a lot more interested in seeing boys than being with my parents, but we can spend as much time together as you want. I just don’t want you to feel obligated. We can invite Adam to join us if you like.”

“No. I don’t want to invite Adam to join us,” Ash answered, shortly.

“Did you two have a fight?”

“No! Mom, I’m just not… I’m just not really interested in Adam or any other boy right now, OK?”

That brought her mother up short. She just stared for a moment. “You’re… not…?”

“No, Mom. I’m really not.”

Oh. She seemed really stunned. If she hadn’t truly been listening to Ash before, she was certainly listening now. “Not… at all?”

“Well…” Ash started, but she was just too exasperated to explain. So she merely repeated, “No, not at all.”

Ash’s mother came over to Ash, slowly, studying her daughter’s face. Then she sat heavily on the bed, contemplating. “This is my fault, isn’t it?”

“What? Mom, no!”

“Yes, Ash. If I had been there for you, if you could have grown up with a mother… with parents who were together… I saw how my parents loved each other and took care of each other, and I grew up expecting the same thing. I expected that I would meet a man who would sweep me off my feet, and take care of me for the rest of my life. When I met your father, I was sure I had found my prince. He was handsome and charming, about to start a career as a doctor, with great hopes for the future. He seemed like everything I had always wanted. But it didn’t work out, and I ran out on you… so you didn’t grow up with the same dream. I’ve failed you, Ash. A girl should be able to grow up with her mother by her side. To know what a good relationship with a man can be. I was too young, Ash. I never should have married your father so young. I shouldn’t complain… you’re everything a mother could want in a daughter, but I wasn’t really ready, and you’ve paid the price.”

Ash was in agony. Her lack of interest in boys obviously had nothing to do with her Mom, but how could she possibly explain that? “Mom, please. It’s nothing you’ve done. I know that people can have good relationships, and… if I were a boy, I would want a girlfriend for sure. I just… I just don’t see myself ever dating a boy.”

Her mother sighed and put out her arms to embrace Ash. “You’re my daughter, Ash, and if this is how you feel, it’s how you feel. I love you and I accept the choices you’ve made. It’s not your job to live my fantasies. You have to live your own life as you see fit, and I’ll always be here to back you up.”

Later that night, Ash sat up in bed suddenly, awakened by the sound of a familiar motor. It couldn’t be… Pulling on a hotel-supplied bathrobe, she opened the doorway of the room onto a moonlit night. Parked on the curb a dozen feet in front of her stood a Merkur XR4Ti that looked exactly like her own. The sounds it was making made her suspect that it even had all of the same modifications. A young man with his back to her was closing the driver side door. Then she heard a familiar voice call her name from behind her. She whirled to see an old friend running towards her from the hotel lobby. It was James! How had he known where to find her? She opened her mouth to greet him, only to see him run past her and slap backs with the young man at the car. For the first time she could see his face, hovering over James’s shoulder. With a shock, she realized that she knew that face well. She had seen it in her mirror daily, until the misfile.

She must have cried out, as the two of them turned toward her.

Caught off-guard, she could only stammer, “What are you doing with my car… and my friend... and my life, you bastard?”

“Who are you?” the other Ash asked. “James, do you know this girl?”

“I’ve never seen her before,” replied her so-called friend. “I think we’d better call the police.”

And right on cue, a policeman appeared behind her, blowing a whistle. Only when she turned to look, it was Rumisiel, and he was dressed like an English Bobbie.

“Rumisiel, you bastard!” she shouted. “What have you done this time?”

“Pay no attention to her, lads,” he told the boys, cheerfully ignoring her. “She doesn’t really exist.” And with that, he began beating her with his stick, which turned out to be a balloon. The boys joined in, hitting her with their own balloons, and when she ducked, one of them picked up the road under the car and the other swept her underneath it.

Ash sat suddenly up in bed, pushing off the blanket, which had somehow managed to cover her head. She looked around wildly, but everything looked normal. Her mother was sleeping quietly in the other bed, but her own pulse was racing. Sleep was just not going to be possible unless she could calm down.

Ash tried to think of other things, but there were dangers everywhere. Time with Mom? Make-up lessons loomed. She should have asked Emily if there was a way to talk herself out of that one. Maybe not… Mom seemed pretty clear that it was expected. She tried to think whether any of the girls she knew – or rather, had looked at – had gone without makeup, but had to admit that she didn't really know how to tell. Like most boys, she'd been more interested in the overall package, rather than the engineering details.

Thinking about Emily right now wasn't a lot better, with her sudden talk of wanting to date. In the months the two of them had known each other, Emily had never mentioned a desire to start seeing anyone. Certainly she had declared herself to be interested in boys in the abstract, but had always seemed more focused on school. What had changed? And what would it do to Ash to see it, and what would it do to their friendship? Ash had no personal experience with dating, but had always assumed that girls tended to become obsessed when they were in a relationship – at least if they weren't just playing with the boy's head. Shaking her head to clear it, she lay down and closed her eyes firmly.

As Ash struggled to find sleep, the bed seemed to be shaking, bouncing up and down in the dark. Then she heard a deep, smooth, male voice with a French accent. "But, ma cherie," the voice said, "how ever did you pass your lonely hours before we met?"

Suddenly, the ceiling above her split and the room was flooded with light.

A giant hand reached down and lifted her through the opening, as Emily's voice answered, "I used to talk to this drawing, and pretend she was a real person – a girl who thought that she was a boy. Isn't that really sad?"

"Ah, ma pauvre petite,” the man replied. “But you will never… need to be alone again." And with that, he took Ash from Emily's unresisting hand. The last thing Ash saw was Emily kissing him passionately as he threw Ash over his shoulder. It was the collision with the floor that woke Ash this time. She had fallen out of bed for the first time in years.

By 8:00, she had abandoned her bed and managed to get a few hours of sleep sitting in a chair. Bleary-eyed, she responded to her mother's suggestion that they get breakfast with a firm negative. Instead, she crawled back into bed and slept until nearly 11. Upon awakening, she found a note from her mother, inviting her to the beach.

Her mother was at the same table they had claimed the day before, and to Ash's annoyance, Adam was sitting there as well. The two of them were engaged in what seemed to be a continuation of the conversation from the day before, with Ash's mother seeming to laugh at almost every other comment he made. She broke off upon seeing her daughter, but her enthusiastic welcoming gesture stopped at Ash's glare. Instead, she leaned over to Adam warily and whispered a comment. He reacted with a surprised look at Ash, but collected his things and left the table, watching Ash with a perplexed and slightly hurt expression.

"Mom," she said, sitting next to her. "I told you that I didn't want to see Adam again."

Her mother sighed. "I didn't think a friendly conversation would be a problem, Ash. And no matter your… preferences, it never hurts to be polite."

"Yeah, well, I didn't get a lot of sleep, so I don't really feel like being polite to anyone." And with that, she buried her nose in the latest issue of Car and Driver.

After a few minutes, her mother excused herself to go to the ladies room, leaving Ash alone. Ash looked up at Adam, who was resting on his back, eyes hidden behind a pair of sunglasses. He looked so smug, she thought. For all his talk about how hard things were now, he seemed to be coping just fine. So what if he was younger than he had been? At least he was still male! And he'd had a couple of decades of a relationship with a woman to look back on, while Ash's own prospects looked hopeless. He had no right to tell her that he understood – that they were in the same situation. They weren't! Not at all! His advice was worthless. No, worse than worthless! Seething, she strode over to Adam and kicked him in the shoulder, hard.

“You bastard!” She yelled. “Your stupid ideas gave me nightmares! I didn’t get to sleep for hours.

“Kneeling down, she hissed in his ear, “I hate this body! The only thing that’s been getting me through being a girl is the idea that one day I’ll wake up as a boy again! But now, with you saying that it won’t be me, that it’ll be somebody else, I’m actually dreaming that way. I kept dreaming that boy-Ash was somebody else and I was an impostor who had to get swept under the rug! Thanks a lot!”

He stared at her, completely off balance.

“And I was just so… pissed off at you last night that I wound up telling my mother that not only did I not want to see you again, I don’t want to see any guys and I don’t even want to think about dating guys. And that hurt her, you know? I mean, she was great and told me it was OK, but I could tell. And it was something I wouldn’t have had to tell her if it wasn’t for you!”

Somehow, she had started punctuating her rant with tears. She was so angry that she couldn’t stop crying.

“And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I spent years wishing I could know my Mom, and here I am making her unhappy. But I can’t date a boy to please her. And it’s not as if I’m doing better with girls, either. I- I- I kissed my best friend and freaked her out, and… and a boy kissed me and I freaked out, and…”

Now Adam was on his own knees, his face level with hers. He grabbed her hands and yelled back at her, “Ash, I’m sorry. I was way out of line and I want to apologize.”

The unexpected surrender surprised her into silence. In the few cases when people had apologized to Ash, they had done it so meekly that she'd almost felt like punching them on general principles. Having an apology hurled at her so forcefully made her want to argue back, but she couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn't be taking his side one way or another.

While she searched for an appropriate response, he pulled her to her feet and lowered his voice to a normal tone. “It’s kind of hot, and I’m thirsty. Could we discuss this over a soda?”

"I'm not really comfortable with the idea of a boy buying me a soda. It feels too much like a date thing."

His face took on an impatient look. “It's not a date thing. Look, you and your Mom bought me dinner, so I owe you, right? Think of this as a small payback.”

Ash quirked a smile. “In that case,” she suggested, “you could probably spring for a burger, too. I missed breakfast.”

Adam chuckled. “It's bit early for a hamburger, to my tastes, but hey – it's your stomach. You've got it.”

As they walked to the concession stand, Ash considered Adam’s turnaround. Smiling in triumph, she said, “So you admit that you were wrong about me staying this way?”

He took a moment before responding to consider his words. “I was wrong to tell you what you should want and to insist that you do something you consider so unappealing. I shouldn’t have given you advice when you didn’t ask for it. In fact, I’d promise never to do it again, but it’s such a habit with me that I doubt I could keep it.” He grinned at her as he said the last part.

“But the worst thing I did was to try to justify myself by offering you incentives to listen to me. I’m really embarrassed about that. If we’re friends… if we become friends and stay friends, I should help you out of friendship, not just because you took my advice. It was just really unprofessional of me.”

“Adam… you’re my age now; why are you worrying about being ‘professional’?”

“Yeah, I know. I suppose if I still…” He took a deep breath. “If I still had parents, they would probably tell me not to be so serious – to enjoy my teen years. I need to get used to it, and after a year I still don’t like it, but I accept it. Probably, you need to do the same – for your sanity, at least.”

Ash took a bite of her hamburger before answering. “Yeah, well, you need to understand something. I don’t intend to stay this way. I expect this to be fixed by the end of the summer and never look back. Only thing is… I’ll probably never see my Mom again. This is probably the only time in my life to spend time with her, and I just want it to go well. I don’t want to fight with her. So that’s why I didn’t say anything when she tarted me up last night. I would really hate to spend my only time with her fighting. Now my friend Emily tells me that I probably didn’t have to go along so easily. I just don’t know what’s safe to argue about and what isn’t.”

“If it’s any consolation, Ash, you didn’t look ‘tarted up.’ You looked really nice. Not that you care, but your mother does have good taste. You looked… well, you looked like a beautiful girl.”

“I don’t really want to look like a beautiful girl, thank you very much. This is going to be the hardest thing for me, not complaining when my Mom wants to treat me as her daughter; I’d really love to have her proud of me as her son, but this seems to be the best I can get. I’m really not looking forward to her make-up lessons. And I want to hold my tongue, and last night I lost it. Of course, you had something to do with that. It wasn’t enough that I was wearing those clothes – and you don’t know the half of what I was wearing – but you just seemed too… I don’t know. But I need to figure out a way not to let it get to me.”

“More advice, huh? OK, let’s hear it.”

“One trick I’ve found is sort of role-playing. When I worked with clients, sometimes we needed to explore scenarios, so I would assign each person a role to play, and have them act accordingly. Sometimes they would have to do really strange things – for them, at least. But that didn’t mean that they had to feel silly doing it, because they knew it wasn’t not really them. You could probably use that.

“If you invented a role – say, a girl who is more like what your mother expects – you could pretend to be her, and pretend that it is her doing those things. So you say that this girl – let’s call her Ashley – is the one putting on makeup and dresses. You could even give yourself an internal dialogue: ‘now Ashley is showing off her dress for Mom; now she is applying lipstick.’ You could make a game of it: ‘to win, Ashley has to get Mom’s approval for putting on mascara in fewer than three tries.’ And in your head, it wouldn’t really be you doing it; it would be somebody else. You’d just be acting a part.”

“You’re saying that if I pretend to be somebody I would never want to be, I can make it easier to do something I’d never want to do? Adam, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!”

“Hey, don’t knock it. I’ve used it myself over the past year. I don’t really want to be a teenager: been there, done that, got the acne. But it’s not really my choice to make, is it? Physically and legally, I’m seventeen. I can’t drive at night. I can’t drink. I can’t do so many things I’m used to doing. I even have to get my guardian to arrange purchases and leases for me, since I can’t apply for credit on my own. And I’m supposed to find all kinds of teenage-boy things fun. And I hate them… but my classmates already find me a bit unusual. There’s a limit to how far I can go and still have any friends at all. So I have to play make-believe. I pretend I’m the kind of person who really would do some of those things. Sure, it’s not as drastic as what you’re going through, but...

“Gah. I’m sorry, Ash. I’m just rambling. You really are having a tougher time at this than I am. And nothing I’m suggesting seems to be helping. My ways of coping don’t seem to work for you; but then, I’ve had a lot more practice at it. I wish I could do something for you, Ash. I wish I could snap my fingers and let you go back to what you remember. But I can’t. I don’t know if your expectation of having the whole thing reversed is reasonable. For your sake, I hope it is. But if not… well, you can drive off that bridge when you come to it.”

They had started walking back to the table, and now Ash put out her hand to stop him.

“Adam, I know you’re really trying to help, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want my Mom to see us together. I told her that I didn’t want to see you again and I don’t want her thinking that we’ve ‘kissed and made up’ or something like that.”

“Oh,” he said, surprised. “Oh, well… I see your point.” He sighed. “OK, Ash, I’ll wait a bit until you get back to your table and then come along later to get my stuff and then I guess I’ll find another spot on the beach. But look. I really did mean it about wanting to be friends. I mean, you’ve got somebody you can talk to about this – your friend… Emily. I don’t have anyone, and I’d really appreciate it if… anyways, you’ve got my email. Please… feel free to contact me if you need anything or… just want to talk. I’d love to talk to you about risk reduction and how that applies, but… and if you want to introduce me to your friend and see if there’s anything I can do to help, let me know. If it’s not too far out of the way, maybe I can stop by on my way home at the end of the summer. Anyway… good luck,” he finished, awkwardly.

Ash’s mother looked up as she returned to the table, alone. “Lunch already, darling? I had thought that we would eat together.”

“Oh, this isn't lunch, Mom. Just a snack.”

“Well, you're maintaining your figure, so I suppose you know what you're doing. Now what would you like to do this afternoon? We could just stay here and tan for a bit, or we can hit the shops. They're a bit touristy, but I have a friend who told me about some places where we can get some great bargains. Oh, and of course, we have to buy you your own makeup and spend time practicing with it…”

As her mother chattered on happily with her plans for the two of them, Ash bit her lip. “I wanted this,” she reminded herself. “I wanted to spend time with Mom, and I'm going to enjoy it if it kills me…”